It can be quite frustrating when your partner does not want to communicate with you, especially in a relationship or marriage crisis. You may be feeling quite powerless and hopeless as well. All the more is it doubly frustrating when there is communication but a total lack of cooperation from your partner or when your declarations of love or requests for discussion are met with rejection and disdain.
Wanting to save your marriage is one thing; your partner's willingness to meet you halfway is another. And, sometimes, you feel as if you are all alone in wanting to save your relationship.
It can be quite overwhelming, surely, feeling as if every effort you make will not be enough.
At this point, any help is a welcome relief. It will certainly be helpful to have a listening ear or caring friend who you can trust to give you sound advice.
In many situations, there is one piece of advice that we believe can make a difference: YOU have the power.
While you cannot control the actions of others, you still have your reactions within your grasp. For many, these words can spell the difference between allowing a crisis to overwhelm them, or finding the strength to march forward towards hope.
You have a great responsibility towards yourself - that of allowing yourself to always behave in a dignified and objective manner. Think of it this way. How have your past feelings and behavior
influenced your present relationship crisis?
Have you been angry or resentful towards your partner, even if they were the one who was "at fault"? How have you reacted to their actions or lack of affection towards you?
Do you blame your partner for what is happening to you right now? Have you said to yourself "They just make me lose my temper" or "You make me feel rejected"?
Statements like these imply that it is your partner who is causing you to feel all these things, which. The reality is that, actually, your feelings are within your control.
Nobody can make you feel angry or sad or depressed unless you allow them to. At a certain point, you have chosen to feel the negative things you are feeling. You gave yourself permission to be furious or jealous or hurt. You have allowed feelings of inadequacy, incompleteness or incompetence to get the better of you.
Your partner's words and actions may have affected you deeply but, ultimately, you can choose how you feel and react to what they say or do. More importantly, you can choose not to let the negativity of a bad response wash over you, which may push you to actions or words you may later regret. The reaction you choose is within your control.
I am not saying that it is wrong to feel what you feel. On the contrary, you wouldn't be a warm, loving human person if you were not capable of being hurt or feeling pain. However, you can also determine the actions you take as a result of those feelings, or even how you allow them to affect you.
Instead of lashing out when your partner says or does something hurtful, take a step back. Even if you feel that you are being taken advantage of, resist the temptation to wound your partner in the way they have wounded you. Take into account that your partner has his or her own reasons for behaving the way they do. It's highly possible that they're hurt too or feel ashamed and want to make you feel just as wretched as they do.
Whatever it is, there is a reason behind their behavior. Consider your partner's motivation. Once you have an insight into their behavior, what is the best way that you can react? Do you want to feed the negativity or help extinguish it in favor of a more positive outcome? Will your reaction save your relationship?
Owning Feelings and Emotions in a Marriage Does Not Mean Giving a Free Pass....
Understanding your partner does not mean that you excuse their behavior, especially if it is truly hurtful and unjust. You don't have to agree with what he or she is doing. However, what's
important is that you realize your reactions can make or break the situation.
Over and above, remember to love your partner. What can you do that can save your relationship? What is your relationship calling you to learn about yourself and love? You can be honest with your partner - tell him that while you are hurt by their behavior and do
not agree with it, you still love them and want to be with them. This way, you are making a choice to love your partner unconditionally.
Even if your partner is resistant, at the very least you have reacted positively to a negative situation and focused on doing something constructive. Remember, the key to your positive reaction is not in waiting for your partner to apologize. It's about setting standards of behavior and developing a heightened sense of self-awareness in the way you interact with others.
Understanding just how powerful your reactions can be is a first step towards rebuilding trust and love in your broken relationship. This is an insight that few people come across and are able to adapt.
There are more helpful tools and methods in our new ebook, The MARRIAGE REPAIR Handbook, which you can order here:
Take back control in your relationship and empower yourself to make a difference.
Best of luck with your relationship,
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